So 2018 is over. That was quick wasn’t it? I mean it only seems like a few weeks ago everyone was arguing if ‘The Last Jedi’ was a good Star Wars film or not I mean… Wait, you mean people are still arguing about that? Like now? Whatever, move on with you lives people there is nothing you can do about it, it’s not like you can remake it or anything.
Upon research I found that there is actually a fan site who are asking for pledges so that they can remake ‘The Last Jedi’ they currently have over $400 million pledged… No joke.
Just a reminder I didn’t see everything this year so if i have left something out I did it to annoy you personally.
Anyway here are my awards for Film in 2018 and I’m going to start us off with what I think is one of the most important awards.
Most Improved haircut:
Captain America – Infinity War
Bumblebee – Bumblebee
Credence – Fantastic Beasts: Crimes of Wizard Hitler
Winner: Credence – Fantastic Beasts: Crimes of Wizard Hitler
Congrats to Credence for his win and congrats for having a haircut that made everyone question what the fuck it was you were thinking, to being passable in human society. But I guess if it was meant to be a statement of some kind its lost on me. I mean look at it, it looks like a cut up black slice of watermelon.
Grindelwald – Fantastic Beasts: Crimes of an overfilled screenplay
Mera – Aquaman
Cletus Kasady – Venom
Winner: Cletus Kasady – Venom
Well done to Woody Harrelson. The most bald man to win worst haircut in the history of these awards. The losers can take solace in the fact that they are no longer married to each other.
Han Solo – Solo: A Star Wars story
August Walker – Mission Impossible: Fallout
Sheriff of Nottingham – Robin hood
Winner: Sheriff of Nottingham – Robin hood
Congrats Bendelson. You are forever showing everyone that you are the most stylish villain in Hollywood and congrats to Robin Hood for not being the massive pile of shit we all thought you were going to be. You were fine.
Now people of the internet a list for the films you looked back on this year and thought “Oh yeah that was a film wasn’t it”
The ‘That came out this year award?’:
Ant man and the Wasp
A Wrinkle in Time
Escape Plan 2
Super Troopers 2
and the winner is…
Escape Plan 2: Hades
I bet most of you didn’t even know this was released at all unless you have seen it hovering on your Netflix account. Apparently Escape plan 2 was supposed to have had a theatrical release but instead was released straight to DVD and Blu Ray instead due to Lionsgate having no faith in the product. It didn’t even make back its production budget but somehow a sequel has been green lit and it has a release date of somewhere in 2019. At least Stallone and Bautista had huge hits this year in Creed 2 and Avengers: Infinity War respectively.
I feel this year was the year of the meh. There were so many films that were not quite bad enough to hate or laugh at, not good enough to like or watch again. I could write a massive list but I have to shorten it down to a readable amount. So without further ado:
The most Meh film award:
Incredibles 2 (Controversial pick I know)
Solo: A Star Wars Story
Pacific Rim: Uprising
Fantastic beasts: Where are the beasts? I cant see the beasts. There weren’t that many beasts.
Maze Runner: The Death Cure
Who will hold the Coveted Meh award…
*Humming the tune* Venom Venom. He’s wearing double denim. Venom. We’d better go get em, Venom. They aint gunna know what hit ’em.
Trust me Sony we know what hit ’em’. a whole load of meh.
You ever have one of those days where you want to see a film and you look outside as you pick up your car keys and see weather that is reminiscent of something out of ‘The Day After Tomorrow’ and think “Na, not today”. This award goes to the films we could watch without having to venture in to the unknown of which is the outside world.
Streaming pick of the year:
* Insert Drum roll here*
Annihilation is the story of Natalie Portmans character as she joins an expedition in to a mysterious zone which has never been explored before, they soon realise that the basic rules of nature don’t apply to where they have ventured.
A beautifully haunting piece of science fiction which leaves you thinking for hours after the film has finished. A tremendous follow up from director Alex garland who previously directed the also brillaint Ex-Machina, if you haven’t seen it…what are you doing go watch it, now.
The biggest disappointment of the year:
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
Winner: Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
It’s such a shame that this film couldn’t have been better. Jurassic park or world or whatever is a franchise which seems to have ran out of ideas and is just copying exactly from the first trilogy. Park breaks down and dinosaurs are free. Go back to the island where the park is and get the dinosaurs, rinse and repeat. I hope they can think of something more fresh for the third film otherwise I think I’m done with these films. I also feel like the 3rd act really doesn’t fit this film at all. It turns from a Sci-Fi adventure in to a Ghost house style horror film. I don’t know. How can you make dinosaurs boring? How?
Best film where Hawkeye should be trying to stop Thanos and not playing tag with his fake friends who aren’t cool like the Avengers:
Swimming with men
Mumma Mia: Here we go again
Mary Poppins Retruns
Come on Clint mate, stop fucking around. The avengers needed you and you weren’t there. Why? WHY!?
So I normally try to avoid bad movies as much as I can. I tend to have a good radar and by looking at a trailer I can tell whether or not it will be good. That being said I somehow saw these films and I don’t quite know how.
The pile o’ shit award
I feel pretty
Johnny English Strikes Again
Ughhhhhh this one hurts.
Winner: The Predator
I’ve never seen a filmmaker not understand the fan base and what they want from a film more so than Shane Black. I don’t get it. You’d think considering that he was in the original Predator he would have the knowledge to reboot the franchise in an interesting and fresh direction which the fans would love. WRONG! The predator dogs looked hilarious. The new Alpha predator was boring, all it had going for it is that it was bigger. Bigger isn’t better. The ending… The ending is the most laughable thing I have seen in a movie this year. I’m not going to say what it is in case somebody on this earth cares but I will say that it showcases the complete misunderstanding of the franchise under the helm of Shane Black.
You ever walk out of a film and look at the person or people you saw it with and with complete sincerity and say “That wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be” and wait for the abuse to be hurled your way like a steel chair during a cage match? But it never happens because you my friend just walked out of a film that was fine and everyone else around thinks it was fine. Not good but better than you could have hoped. The day is good.
The ‘That wasn’t a massive pile of garbage’ award:
And show me potato salad…
Winner: Robin Hood
So the trailers for Robin Hood made the film look shockingly bad. It looked uninspired, boring and quite lazy from Hollywood to be honest. But what we got was actually quite enjoyable. Taron Egerton and Bendelson were very good in their roles and it had some pretty solid action sequences to boot. It is one of those films I think most people overlook because we know the story and there have been many films and TV shows about this character but if you give it chance I feel like you might just have some fun with it.
A Director for a film is like what a captain is to a ship of pillaging and plundering pirates. They need to be in control of the sea battle and keep their vision of treasure in their minds as they stumble through the dark caves of an unexplored island. Ummm anyway…
Bradley Cooper – A Star is Born
Guillermo Del Toro – The Shape of Water
John Krasinski – A Quiet Place
The Russo Brothers – Avengers: Infinity War
Alex Garland – Annihilation
Christopher Mcquarrie – Mission Impossible: Fallout
So who won the sea battle, who guided their ship mates to a glorious bounty. Okay I’m going to stop comparing directors to captains of a pirate ship…
Winner – John Krasinski
So John Krasinski just comes out from under his tiny office desk to direct a unknown horror film starring his wife Emily Blunt. This film is filled with so much tension and dread that you really can not settle at all during the whole film. The silence doesn’t allow for it. I literally gasped during one of the scenes which is unheard of for me. I really cared for these characters and the horrible situation they have been thrown in to and it made the viewing experience that much more tension filled.
The world building is magnificent and makes me want to know more about what actually happened to this world that they now live in. There are floorboards that have been painted because stepping on them makes noise. The hand made roads are covered in sand to reduce any accidental sounds. Its these little details that really flesh out a world for me and make me believe whats going on in this exhausted and worn out world they live in. I could probably write an essay on how much I love the direction in this film but I will save that for another day. It’s just so good to see something so original in a genre that needs a bit of a boost of originality. Apparently Johnny boy is hard at work developing the sequel and I for one cant wait to see what happens next.
Tom Crusie – Mission Impossible: Fallout
John Krasinski – A Quiet Place
Rami Malek – Bohemian Rhapsody
Bradley Cooper – A Star is Born
Who is the champion?
Winner – Rami Malek
This was actually quite tough for me. It was a toss up between Bradley Cooper and how he portrayed the fragility of his character in A Star is Born or Rami Malek and his complete embodiment of Freddie Mercury. It sounds massively cliche but I have to say its almost like this role was made for him. He looks like Freddie, he sounds like Freddie and he acts like Freddie. When he is on screen he is Freddie Mercury. I don’t really know what else to say. Just a fantastic performance giving us all something I’m sure Freddie would surely be proud of if he could watch it today.
Lady Gaga – A Star is Born
Sally Hawkins – The Shape of Water
Margot Robbie – I,Tonya
Emily Blunt – A Quiet Place
Winner: Lady Gaga
So other than a few cameos and a season of American Horror Story, which she is terrific in by the way, this is pretty much Lady Gagas acting debut.
She absolutely hits it out of the park on her first swing in A Star is Born portraying a character which I’m sure felt quite close to home for her. I would give her the award for the song at the end of the film alone. You can absolutely feel the emotion she is going through not just by her singing which is incredible but also through her body language during the performance. It genuinely brought me to tears as I was watching it. A real tragic story about stardom, love and depression which is only elevated by the chemistry of its two leads and the perfect performance from Gaga. I couldn’t picture anybody else nailing this role as much as she did.
So we are here. This has been emotional hasn’t it? There have been ups and there have been downs. But now Ladies and germs we have made it to the biggest award I can give out and the award that every filmmaker dreams of getting when they were young watching Aliens at an age when they should 100 percent be watching something less scarring. So without any more of my nonsense lets move on to:
The Shape of Water
A Star is Born
Avengers: Infinity War
A Quiet Place
Mission Impossible: Fallout
Winner: A Star is Born
No other film quite affected me this year like how A Star is Born affected me. A Deeply tragic story brought to life by some incredible direction by Bradley Cooper, In his directorial debut to boot, and incredible performances by Cooper, Lady Gaga and Sam Elliot who really bring their human and flawed characters to life. I’m going to say it again this film brought me to tears a few times by displaying themes we don’t see too often in mainstream media like this and it’s extremely important to get these sorts of messages across to as many people as possible.
Accompanied by an amazing soundtrack with stellar vocals from Gaga and surprisingly Bradley Cooper it all adds up to make my film of the year, this was probably my easiest choice of the whole bunch.
Honestly just see it.
Well that’s another year done and dusted. There have been ups and downs what an emotional roller coaster it’s been. But I’m not buying the damn photo at the kiosk once you get off. £18 just for a photo. You’re having a laugh surely? They also have the cheek to be like “Well you can get a keyring for an extra 4 pounds”. No I’m not doing it I refuse. I REFUSE!!
Anyway 2019 is shaping up to be a pretty huge year for film so expect to hear from me on my opinions on them and they jackets that the characters are wearing.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. If there is anyone who has read this far. Or read it at all.
As always many thanks.
Hope you had a great 2018 and an even better 2019.
Your local nerd and fruit loop,